9 23 19

Sleep

Have you ever had someone tell you they’d sleep outside of your door to see you? Because I have.

Five months after we had broken up, I finally heard from him, heard all the things I’d been waiting, longing to hear. I miss you. I love you. I want to see you. I need to see you. Don’t make me sleep outside your door.

But I learned that while he slept for me he slept with her. Her who he grabbed so soon after our demise. Her who don’t worry she knew he was reaching out. Her who later he engaged less than a year after he told me forever.

I didn’t know this in the moment, at the time.

In the moment, I was so happy to hear from him who abandoned me who became a robot after he left me. Our futures aren’t together, delivered in a hapless, lifeless, terrifying monotone. He, who I prayed I could sleep so I could forget, sleep to not be awake.

Now he was here, sidling in with words, sliding back into my heart. I need to see you he said. I have so much to explain you’re on my mind constantly I miss you like crazy you’re still the bar no one can touch. Me too I said.

He and me, on repeat in my head finally coming to be, to come back, so easy. Back to sleep; sleep came quickly. Once home I get to see him, get to hear his side of the story, his apology, get to feel his warmth again. Don’t make me sleep outside your door.

But the next day: I shouldn’t have reached out he said.

That’s it? That’s fucking it? After all the lies, after the damage you caused after the thousands in hospital bills and after my heart had soared with hope. But I, I was just another ex, another of the ones I had worried about while we were together. Back then he had promised, you have nothing to worry about, I only have eyes for you I’m only dreaming of a life with you.

He shouldn’t have reached out he said. And I, blinded by rage thought you know what he still misses me, still loves me. I feel sorry for her, her who doesn’t know better who doesn’t suffer from the curse of the niggling gut doesn’t have to ask HOW CAN I TRUST YOU.

She gets to, because she doesn’t know he wants to sleep outside of my door.