How to Have a Panic Attack
First of all, you really have to make sure your mental health is in bad shape. Big fight or breakup? A global pandemic? Didn’t sleep enough? Perfect. The stage is aptly set.
To get going, engage in or prepare for an activity that drives up your heart rate: a HIIT workout is good. Or, get ready for a big event, a meaningful conversation or anything really important. The higher stakes, the better.
At the beginning, your heart rate may start to speed, your body may freeze up but DON’T WORRY, these are some of the finest varietals of panic attack symptoms; you’re doing great.
Pick a mantra to repeat to yourself over and over: I’ve found great success with “I ruined everything,” “I can't do this anymore” or “it’s all my fault” ..really any destructive self thought will do.
By this point, you may be experiencing shortness of breath or having trouble breathing. Fret not, you don’t really need fresh air, the feeling of surviving or a clear head to get into the real panic goodness. If you’re in a small space, even better. Make sure you look around and notice how little air there is to breathe, and push up against the walls or boundaries to really get your heart racing. Sweaty palms, tingles all over, still can’t move? These are GREAT signs to let you know you’re doing this right.
If you have someone around, make sure to yell at them and interrupt whatever they’re doing in the most inconvenient manner possible. And, definitely think about anybody you’re affecting with this outburst - the people you’re late to meet, your neighbors who might hear you yelling, your friends and family whose day you’re undoubtedly ruining. After all, you think you really should be able to control this part, so anybody in your path needs to feel like you’re doing this on purpose.
Make sure to fixate on every bad thing you’ve done up to that point. Convince yourself that it’s your fault this is happening and you can stop it if you really try (fun fact- you can’t! ha!), but your adrenal system doesn’t know that! Really get creative here - think real hard about how much of a problem and burden you are to other people.
CRY! One of the best things about panic attacks is that you get to ruin your makeup, to get your face all blotchy and puffy. These are delightful symptoms to spy in the mirror once you’re done, real signifiers of the destruction your mind caused.
If you’re really committed, you’ll try to do something to hurt or punish yourself - scratching with your nails, pull at your hair, slap yourself in the face - anything to signal that you hate yourself.
Sometimes to get to the coda, you just wait it out. Or you need someone to physically help you get out of the space. And finally, once it’s all over and you’ve calmed down, you return to normal and dive into the wake of the drama you caused. Apologize profusely to everyone around you and reflect on how now you feel so normal and should have been able to outsmart it.
Finally, look in the mirror at yourself and wonder how the same you staring back is the one who was just crumpled on the floor. Now, you soldier on, pick up the pieces. Have fun cleaning up the mess you created and facing those you’ve inconvenienced.
Congratulations! You’ve just completed your panic attack. Continue on with your day and remember what it is to be a normal person. See, it’s so easy to exist in a non-panicked state - why can’t you do this all the time?! If your and everyone else’s day hasn’t been satisfactorily ruined, don’t worry! Just try again or reflect on your self destructive mantra of choice and you’ll graduate to more, worse panic attacks in no time.
