sick

the world may never know, what it is to be sick.

to have your emotions flaming out of you, no control; even though you’re watching them and you can’t imagine those pieces of you have crystallized in the real world.

you ruin things and you tried you tried you tried holy hell you tried so hard not to ruin them: the birthday parties, the big moments, the friend entanglements where you looked in the mirror and said please not tonight please just please let me have fun tonight no funny business, please just please dont show up tonight.

and then.. it happens, every time it happened but why? was it your drinking you could have changed that SNAP OUT OF IT you can control this most people can control this why not you?

but you just.. can’t. it comes up behind you, a proverbial devil on your shoulder except it’s not that, it’s a force, a sad and angry whooshing that takes hold of you, like it or not. you belong to it now, the sickness will not relent and you have to ride it hoping for the best but likely living the worst