three oh

For the past two years, my response to the how-are-you’s has been this: surviving and thriving. I love the contradiction, the analogue and the rhyme. Two ideas that on paper seem stark but in practice and in situ are not mutually exclusive.

Look back at the years we’ve been through: emotional and biological long Covid. We’ve lived in our boxes, gone through extreme societal change, spent time worrying about taking care of our fellow humans while also being extremely outraged by said humans’ selfishness, obtuseness, racism and hyper freedom. But also we’ve learned to chill, just a little bit. Just like surviving and thriving, both and all can be true.

As I enter the 30s today, I reflect on twenties and most notably, that I am growing and I am happy. But I’m also some other things, and I’m a little mad at myself that I am. Here are some of the things I’m feeling in this season:

• Overwhelmed

• Irritable

• Begrudgingly grateful

• Overly wary and terrified of getting in trouble

• Annoyed at my dogs

• Tired

• Grounded

• Happy

• Complemented

• Like a bad friend

• Balanced

• Chaotic

• Tearful

• Accomplished

• Satisfied

• Worried more about what people think, not less

• Unbelonging

Sometimes I worry that these things are taking the opposite direction.. 20 to 30 is supposed to mean growth and shedding of expectations, molting the chaos and insecurity of ages that start with 2-.

But again, both can be true. I can move forward and backward, advancing in circles, failing forward. Life is nuance, life is gray, and all things can be true. Surviving and thriving.